


elusive non-existence

by sapphfics



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: F/F, Fix-It of Sorts, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-05
Updated: 2017-09-05
Packaged: 2018-12-24 03:41:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12004260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphfics/pseuds/sapphfics
Summary: Penny’s smile seems twisted and forced, a swift hand shake. “How are you?” She asks.“Fine,” Agatha says, hands on her hips, head held high.Penny knows she’s lying but Agatha takes her hand. Tries to show that their still friends and not former child soldiers, not former warriors and she isnota traitor but –





	elusive non-existence

Agatha runs and runs and runs.

From all of it - Watford and the Mage and Ebb and Simon and Baz and Penny and magic and pain.

Then -

She stops and there’s a dog half covered in snow and even though she knows the dog won’t make it, something like kindness compels her to scoop the poor thing up in her arms.

The dog is shivering and she is so cold but she keeps running.

She gets in her car and doesn't let herself look back.

//

It’s two days later and the dog has done almost nothing but sleep. She's curled up around a radiator, and Agatha only wakes her up to eat and drink.

Agatha wants to sleep, wants it more than anything, but every-time she closes her eyes all she sees is blood and the Mage and a terrifying _light_.

She thinks of their old dog, the one who got hit by a car. She hadn't known him very well, had not had much attachment to it, can't even remember it's name. She doesn’t remember much except splashing about in the puddles and a horrible noise. She realises, now, that the noise must've been what made her tear up.

It was the first time she'd been confronted with death and it wouldn't be the last.

She strokes her hand down the dog's back and the dog rests her head on Agatha's leg. Promises to keep her safe.

//

It’s midnight when Agatha throws her wand beneath her bed – well, she briefly considers setting the thing on fire, but decides against it - and decides to head for California.

She says her goodbyes to her parents but they will barley notice she's gone.

She knows that she should probably change her number, too, but she doesn't want to her parents to think she's completely abandoning magic, even though she is.

She's waiting for the plane to take off and take her far, far, away from here and her hands are shaking when she gets a text from Penny.

_The Mage is dead but Simon's alive. He is powerless, but alive. Ebb didn't make it._

Agatha bites her lip until it bleeds to keep herself from sobbing.

//

One day: she finds the old photo in the back pocket of her jeans.

She’s not quite sure why she keeps it but she does. Maybe it’s sentimentality.

Agatha names the dog after Lucy because the dog’s fur is the same colour as Lucy’s hair.

Agatha whispers a silent thank you to Lucy, wherever she is, for warning her what can happen if you fall too in love with people born from carpet bombs.

//

Agatha is still limping, even by the first day of school, but she's wearing a pretty floor length floral dress so the Normals won’t notice easily.

She’s got dark bags beneath her eyes and she keeps waking up from nightmares of The Mage’s dead eyes and his cold hands and “you don’t have very much to give, but I’ll take it.”

She knows now that The Mage was going to kill her and it makes her sick to her stomach. She still can’t understand how Simon put up with him for so many years.

On the longer nights, when she can’t close her eyes because she’s afraid of what she’ll see, Lucy comforts her.

She’s not exactly okay, but she gets by and that’s good enough for her.

//

Here’s the thing: there’s a boy who’s got eyes like storm clouds and he seems to like her.

He laughs more than Simon ever did and she thinks normality and loves it.

And God, she wants to like him, too. So much.

But –

He’s got a twin sister who looks at Agatha like she’s the sun and Agatha thinks she likes her more.

Her name’s Kara and one night Agatha holds her hand beneath the stars and her heart is beating so loud she worries Kara can hear it.

Kara will never come back broken and bruised and bloody. She’s incredible and human and simplicity isn’t something Agatha has had in a long, long time.

“Can I kiss you?” Kara asks.

Agatha doesn’t object.

//

It’s three months later and she’s in a car with Agatha, driving to Walmart (it’s like Asda, but American) and Agatha’s singing along to some crap pop song when and she’s so stupidly happy and then –

A car swerves into them and light floods her vision –

She wakes in a hospital and Kara’s gone.

It was a car crash, they tell her, a drunk driver, they tell her, Kara went through the windshield.

“She’d want you to have this,” her brother is crying and Agatha can’t breathe and -

She can’t stop herself from crying when they give her the engagement ring they found in Kara’s pocket.

//

Two years later and Agatha is almost fine.

She’s moved into a little apartment with two friends from school. It’s so blissfully normal until -

“Hey Aggie!” Her friend calls. “You’ve got a text, from Penny –“

Agatha almost chucks her phone across the room, but she clenches her fists and reads the text.

So I’m coming to California in a few weeks. Wanna hang out?

Agatha isn’t really thinking when she types back: Sure.

//

Agatha knows that Penny still hasn’t forgiven her – will probably never forgive her – for leaving.

Well, Agatha doesn’t blame her.

It’s 2 AM on a near empty train platform when Agatha sees her again and oh, she's just as beautiful as ever. Penny is running to her and smilingsmilingsmiling and for a second it’s almost like nothing’s changed.

But -

Penny’s smile seems twisted and forced. a swift hand shake. “How are you?” She asks.

“Fine,” Agatha says, hands on her hips, head held high.

Penny knows she’s lying but Agatha takes her hand. Tries to show that their still friends and not former child soldiers, not former warriors and she is not a traitor but –

“I couldn’t go back to Watford,” Penny whispers, and she’s closing her eyes and soaking in the sun.

Well, that’s something they have in common.


End file.
